Better Late Than Never: Getting to Know My Higher Self

I am what I fondly refer to as a recovering Catholic. I was baptized as Catholic, and attended private Catholic school from first through tenth grade. I was asked to leave the first quarter of my sophomore year because I couldn’t understand how wearing pink socks affected my learning. I was tired of being called to repent daily for my trivial transgressions and I threw down the gauntlet. There was a very tenacious sister who made it her mission to herd me into obedience from my very first day. I struggled with all of the rules that seemed so inconsequential to me. I couldn't see how hair, socks, and bracelets made me a bad Christian. It seemed to me that we focused so much on that aspect of myself that there was no room for spiritual growth. Not to mention she seemed to enjoy the whittling away of my spirit, which gave me a bad feeling about Christianity. I left and went to public school where I could be myself, embracing punk rock hair and wild outfits and as my mom would say, “marching to the beat of my own drum.” 

From the time I was young, the teachings in school and church would tell me that God was a vengeful and jealous God and that we were lowly pitiful humans who had to repent for all of our sins. I remember thinking I have not sinned. I'm just a kid and God–somewhere in the recesses of my mind–felt good and loving. This was so confusing for me that I just shied away from all of it. 

During my junior year of high school I met a boy whose best friend's parents were pastor and wife of a non-denominational church. He brought me to church and I was fascinated and slightly alarmed that they prayed OUT LOUD! And followed no script! It was overwhelming and delightful all at once. I went to the pastor's house following service one Sunday, and I peppered them with so many questions about God and faith that I thought they would never want me back again. However, they were thrilled that I was thinking and challenging things that didn't resonate with me. That alone was so refreshing to me, because I was taught to never question the church and its doctrine. With these wonderful people is where I found love and acceptance and was able to grow as a soul. 

I have recently considered that there must be so many people who feel the way I did growing up. I believe this is why so many people feel nervous or uncomfortable when anyone talks about God because they think, “UH OH, here comes the judgement”, or in order for me to be accepted by God I have a long list of rules I must adhere to.

I was this many years old when I learned that We are God because God lives in all of us. I would have feared God would smite me down for saying that as a young Catholic. When I attended Sacred Awakening Live, I truly felt the power of oneness. I remember as a kid feeling like I can talk to God anytime I wanted to. It felt like an invasion of my privacy to talk in confession about my conversations with God. I know now that God is in all of us and we just have to think our thoughts and dedicate some quiet moments to be in the presence of Source and Spirit.

I wonder if, perhaps a certain amount of people adhere to that strict doctrine and deny themselves all of the things that allow us to Live Life in Full Expression (an acronym coined by Suzanne Guisemann for LIFE).  Because this was what a particular doctrine had told them was necessary to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. It is what I was raised to think. I was raised for a good portion of my young life thinking I was going to hell or I was a bad person because I didn’t deny all of the earthly joys that were perceived as temptation. Perhaps they inwardly feel like the joy is missing because I too didn’t understand that God is Love and he wants us to be joyful and have a wonderful life of experience, not denying our true nature but embracing it. 

You attract more flies with honey, so they say, and when you feel joyful, it is contagious. When you are consciously loving and caring it spreads in the most delightful way. Make no mistake, I know some wonderfully kind people who follow the Catholic faith, as well as many other faiths. It takes time to get to know who you are as a human being and find the path that works for you. That path is not a straight line. We have to take all sorts of scenic routes and endure many trials and errors before we find what works for us individually. 

We are beautifully and wonderfully made and I believe we are meant to express that in the most joyful ways. Some are called to live a life in service and find the most inner peace in that capacity. Some of us are meant to have boots on the ground being helpers and listeners and watchers for opportunities to be of service. Whatever our pull is to oneness and resonates within us is good. My spiritual journey has been a circuitous route with many detours and bumps along the way. You can't have the good without the bad, which is why I say better late than never.

My name is Polly Duncan. I live in Saint Louis, Missouri. I have two amazing kids, my husband Daniel is from Jamaica, where I learned so many life lessons about kindness, giving and enjoying life—and that enjoying time together is the most important thing. We love to cook, garden, and raise chickens with a dog and two cats. What the world needs now is Love and more Love, and we would like to help share all the love and kindness we have to offer.